„Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister … and now wish to withdraw that statement.“

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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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Of all the things that tax a man’s patience, there’s nothing to compare with a stuck zipper.
I’ve reluctantly discarded the notion of my continuing to manage the portfolio after my death – abandoning my hope to give new meaning to the term “thinking outside the box.”
For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.